Pre-Cana: Lesson 1, “SINNA!”
Brian and I finally sucked it up and did our first pre-cana lesson. We are accepting the harsh reality that we have less than six weeks until the wedding, and the Catholic Church probably doesn’t give extensions (that Pope is such a stickler for deadlines).
However, this didn’t stop me from whining like a spoiled brat 90 percent of the time. “I don’t waaaaana. This is booooring. These questions are stuuuuupid. I’m huuuungry.”
The format of the online class is pretty much your average reading comprehension test– read several Bible verses, answer some questions, read some more, answer some more (next time, we will insert the steps “drink some wine” and “watch some YouTube videos” in there somewhere). The first lesson’s goal was to “explore the very beginnings to understand better who we are as man and woman, as a couple and what was meant by God in creating us so different.” Yes, do tell.
There are no pictures in the Creative Commons “Adam and Eve” search that are not creepy
Here’s what I learned:
- God created man, but he was ronery
- God created woman out of man’s rib to keep him company
- God tells man and woman not to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil
- Serpent convinces woman it’s cool to eat from the tree, God is just being stingy (man is there, too, but he’s just in the wrong place at the wrong time)
- God is not a happy camper
- God boots man and woman out of the Garden of Eden but gives them fashionable leather garments to wear
- God punishes woman by cursing her with painful childbirth and man as her “master”
- God punishes man (“because you listened to your wife”) by cursing him to toil the earth the rest of his days
Trixy woman! Always leading man astray. That’s why man should be the master.
Brian and I decided this class would be much better if it were taught by Dr. Gnuse, our “Old Testament as Biblical Lit” professor at Loyola. I think he’d put these readings into context better than the good people of Catholic Marriage Prep, Inc. I remember Gnuse discussing how woman gets too much of the blame in this story– some people like to forget her husband was there, and at the time the story was written, women rarely made decisions without the consent of their husbands. Even when faced with clever talking serpents.
I did enjoy some of the reading comprehension questions, though. Feel free to learn along and answer any of them in the comments section:
- What does this reveal about her personality? Would you say that it makes woman:
- Hyperactive and rational
- Spiritual and sensitive
- Why can we say that woman sinned in the very missions God gave her? Why can we say that man sinned in the very missions God entrusted him?
- So the first consequence of sin is…
- How will sin distort the relationship of man and woman?
I look forward to reading your answers and comparing them to the answer key we just received. I have a feeling some of you will not be getting a gold star.
9 comments
Alright, alright I’ll take your silly quiz.
Question 1: I’d say the story shows woman to be resourceful, trusting and quite convincing as the smarter being. They were hungry, and while yes there’s tons of food in the Garden of Eden, the snake said the apple was good. She found a way to get that apple and man agreed with her. He’s just stupid. I guess I didn’t really take your optional answers there, but oh well.
Question 2: I find it offensive that the question is phrased this way. God gave woman a mission, and entrusted one to man?? Did he not think woman could be trusted? Sounds to me this was all a trick from the very beginning! Hmph!
Question 3: So the first consequence of sin is… recognizing the lack of clothing? hmmm, I’m guessing that’s what leads us to Question 4…
Question 4: Well, if sin’s first consequence is us noticing the opposite sex we definitely know how that distorts the original simplistic relationship between man and woman.
Geez, Gill… this is hard! Good luck… I really hope you guys pass, because I’m really looking forward to the party in January!
I seem to be using the phrase “threw up a little in my mouth” too frequently in the comments section of your blog lately, so I’ll refrain. Seriously, though. Bleeeeeeeehhhhhh!
So….if you guys flunk out of pre-cana, can I still get drunk on your tab in six weeks?
Excuse me while I got tell Josh to get toiling. Since he’s a heathen, he’ll never know I’m leaving out the other part of that lesson.
hmmm… let me give this a crack.
So your bullet points…
1.) God made man in his image ‘cuz… i dunno. This shows a lack of creativity on our Maker’s part.
2.) God made woman out of man’s rib, because really, in those days, football was more of a passive spectator sport rather than a lifestyle that consumes most college kids and fat guys.
3.) God saying “Don’t eat fruit from the tree of knowledge” = God REALLY saying, ignorance man! Ish good shit. Speaking of good shit, did you see that bush I created made of chocolate? Oh man, you don’t know about chocolate yet? Wow you’re effing stupid.”
3.) Eve liked the snake. It was bigger than Adams penis and she thought, “oh tear me off a piece of THAT kit-kat bar.” So being that they were both dumb, Eve was really jsut the go-getter. Besides when you’re made out of rib, you really have to prove yourself, otherwise you have your man calling you “Rib!” all day. “Hey Rib! Go over to that chocolate bush and break off a couple of leaves!”
4.) God’s not happy because he’s not happy with himself. He’s thinking “What the fuck was I smoking when I created these two morons?” So he got rid of the chocolate bush and all the other delicious plants that would’ve made life much more rich and fattening.
5.) Because of God making ’em wear clothes, they started eating meat. So its God’s fault that we’re all meat eaters. Not that I mind, but it proves that Adam & Eve were veggitarian. Eve would rather eff the snake than eat it. Think about that!
6.) Now, this I can’t really argue too much with, man got off super easy. But just for the sake of discussion, it was WOMAN who DISOBEYED her CREATOR. Its the whole bite the hand that feeds kinda thing. I dunno, now looking back on this old story, it looks like Old Testament God is really just insecure with himself. Maybe God was in his teens and didn’t really know how to talk to girls so when approaching Eve the only thing he can think of is punish her horribly for eating his fruit. But then again, how else were we gonna give birth if she DIDN’T eat from the tree. I feel like more ribs would be removed.
7.) God creates fetishism & role-playing.
8.) This explains why the husband just nod his head and smiles and says “Okay, honey.” Of course then you have to look for a proper definition of toil the earth. Miriam-Webster says its a “laborious effort”. Does this mean that God made man the “bread winner”? So then independent women and career oriented women are again DISOBEYING their CREATOR. ;-)
This is why I’m a Lapse Catholic and not a full blown. Because I read sections out of the Bible and I can’t ever see how it applies to modern day life. So I make an effort as a believer in the Almighty to break most of the harmless Catholic rules and then one day go to confession and basically spend a day praying. I can deal with that. All that being said, I totally respect you guys “toiling” to have a proper Catholic wedding.
So now comes the questions… which were always my weakest point in the SATs because I’m a slow reader.
1.) It reveals that if women want to they can be wonderfully sweet or deadly evil. Basically, women are capable human thought and emotion. Congrats.
2.) Gave vs. Entrusted. Hmmm, gave = present, entruested = responsibility. “Here Eve I got you a present for Christmas!” “What’s Christmas God?” “Oh, right, umm, nevermind” “What’s a gift God?” “Shutup Eve” “God?” “Yes Adam?” “This Ent doesn’t look rusted” “What?!” “This Ent, this tree-hearder, it’s not rusted.” “*sigh* Oh God… Wait that’s Me.”
3.) High fashion.
4.) Women will think she’s too fat and man will never stay in shape.
I really enjoyed reading this as I do all your entries, Gillian. I hope you and Brian get through this as painless as possible. You guys kick ass for pulling this off. :-) I hope I didn’t offend too many with this. I’m just having a bit of fun! Hope all is well and can’t wait to read the next No Dowry.
xo
Dude, I can only echo Ide’s sentiment: I did throw up in my mouth a little.
Looks like a few of you went to Catholic school! I was getting all riled up– “Hey, how come woman gets blamed for everything?! That’s a load of crap!” I hope that first lesson was to weed out the people who weren’t strong enough to continue and the rest will be more along the lines of…
Q: Who loves you?
A: Jesus!
Sitting in the airport, gate 82, chuckling and snorting by myself.
Then I read “break me off a piece of THAT kit kat bar” and I shot snot all over my leg.
Good thing I have a pashmina. Isn’t that why god created tibetan goats? To make scarves for lazy american woman who don’t waaaaannaaaa walk with snot on their faces to the potty?
Fashionable leather garments? The Garden of Eden must be off of Folsom Street in San Francisco.
Ah, the Bible. Such a wealth of…kooky stories. I would recommend more wine next time. Coincidentally, I ran across this and, well, let’s just say, you’re lucky you’re not doing the “literal Christian wedding” thing:
A. Marriage in the shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)
B. Marriage shall not impede a man’s right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)
D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)
F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother’s widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)
G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)
(by the way, from the level of sarcasm involved, I think section D may apply to you…watch out!)
Margot, you just gave me a whole new list of things to be afraid of. Though I may start using the “fine of one shoe” in everyday life.