Catechism Lessons

I’ve found myself going “church shopping” lately, which is pretty much the equivalent of me going “gun rack shopping.” It’s not that there’s anything wrong with that; I just don’t usually have the need for one. But since I am technically Catholic and marrying into an actually Catholic family, I have rediscovered religion. The prodigal daughter has returned.

I was kind of hoping getting married in the Catholic church would be something like getting my First Communion. I wear a beautiful white dress, everyone tells me how pretty I look, we sing fun songs at church, then we get to have a big party, yay! Apparently, there’s a little more preparation that goes into this sacrament. We’re only starting this whole process, but I’d like to start sharing the enlightenment I gain along the way. Oh, enlightenment is the wrong religion, isn’t it? What are Catholics supposed to acquire (besides guilt)?

What I’ve Learned So Far:

1. Marriage Ain’t Cheap. I figured the ceremony would be one of the cheapest things we’d invest in for our wedding. Come on, how much would a church charge us to receive a sacrament? Ha. Ha. Perhaps I should have laid off the baby Jesus jokes before I started looking. Old St. Patrick’s Church on Camp Street, a beautiful church less than a mile from our reception location, charges $2,000 for non-parishioners! For an hour-long ceremony (45 minutes, if we’re lucky). It also has an incredibly scary downloadable Web form outlining everything you can’t do. Some highlights:

• Under no conditions is a flower arrangement to be placed directly on the altar or credence tables. Please place the arrangement on a clear plastic saucer.
• Unity candle is not allowed.
• Popular music is not to be performed or sung in church, either before or during the wedding.
• Keyboards and guitars are not permitted at St. Patrick’s Church.
• The photographer must not be conspicuous nor obstruct the proceedings in any way. During the ceremony, all photographs must be taken from the choir loft.
• Strapless attire is not permitted for the bride and/or the other ladies in the bridal party.
• NO ALCOHOL IS ALLOWED INSIDE OR AROUND THE CHURCH AND SACRISTY.
• Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

I sure am excited about my special day after reading all that.

Thank goodness for a little church called St. Theresa of Avila. It’s on Erato Street, about a mile from Mulate’s, and just gorgeous– small but big enough, newly renovated, high ceilings, stained-glass windows and a working organ. It’s also run by the cutest priest ever, Father Agudo, who has a thick Spanish accent and who told me there weren’t really any rules for the church, just “common sense.” I just want to put him in my pocket. And it’s only $300 to have the ceremony there. Done.

2. The FOCCUS is a More Amusing Version of the SAT. The Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study is a multiple-choice Scantron exam, much like the standardized tests we had to take in high school. Except instead of reading comprehension questions, we get to agree or disagree with statements like, “I sometimes fear for my safety when with my future spouse,” “I think my future spouse drinks too much” and “I will be uncomfortable with my future spouse seeing me naked.” I completely understand why they have couples take the test– I’m sure it weeds out some of the unwashed masses who shouldn’t be getting married in the first place. That said, it makes me giggle. Especially when it switches from “I do feel” to “I don’t feel” statements arbitrarily, causing me to answer an important question very inaccurately because I was going too fast. The overachiever in me wanted to go back and get a do-over, but Brian said I can’t. But I deserve 100 percent!

That’s all I’ve got for the moment, but I’m sure the pre-cana classes, the liturgical readings and the music will give me plenty of material for this ongoing series of “Catholicism for Sinners.”