Did You Get the Memo?
I had the honor of receiving my very first Navy memo (sorry, sorry, “all hands bulletin” in non-civilian speak) today. Unlike in the movies or on “NCIS,” it was not a curt, official statement full of acronyms. It was actually a longwinded, passive-aggressive scolding that made me think I might lose my allowance money if I don’t shape up and stop using headphones on base.
No iPod for you
A little background: we’re staying in the middle of nowhere, or a naval base in Dahlgren, Virginia, for two months while Brian learns about fascinating Navy things. Where is Dahlgren, you ask? I have no idea, but its hot spots include an Arby’s, a Burger King and a Food Lion. That’s if you can get off base. We have no car here, so we are limited to the simple pleasures of cooking dinner on our two-burner stove and catching up on our Netflix queue.
It’s nice in some ways to get back to basics, but it can also drive me a little stir-crazy. I work from a hotel room for eight hours a day and then spend most of the evening in the same room, so the only thing I want to do at 5 p.m. is take a nice long walk with my iPod so I can drink in the scenery and catch up with my friends at “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.”
The first time I did this on base, a soccer mom in a minivan destroyed my serenity by flagging me down to tell me (not very nicely, I might add), “You can’t do that here.” Do what? Walk? Listen to commie NPR podcasts? Ohhh, use headphones while walking. I wanted to explain to her that I have evolved enough to master walking/talking/listening/chewing gum all at the same time. Brian and I made a few calls around base, but no one could back up this woman’s claim, so I continued to defy her silly rule.
And then we got this delivered to our door:
*** ALL HANDS BULLETIN *** Please distribute widely ***
WALKING OR RUNNING WITH HEADPHONES/EARPIECES IS PROHIBITED
While running can certainly help improve your health, running while using headphones/earpieces can be equally hazardous to it. With the onset of Spring comes the walkers, runners and bicyclists on roadways or on routes that cross roadways. Who doesn’t like listening to their favorite tunes while being outdoors and enjoying these recreations?
Effective immediately, please be reminded that all tunes will need to be sung or whistled by you because headphones/earpieces are NOT allowed on board any Naval Support Activity South Potomac installation, to include Naval Support Facility (NSF) Dahlgren and NSF Indian Head. The only exception is on trails such as the Railroad Trail, around the football field at Indian Head or the loop behind the gym at Dahlgren – in essence, trails that are closed off from and not adjacent to open roadways. This change was necessitated by the folks that continue to wear headphones while walking/jogging on open roads and on accesses that cross them.
Headphones can distract people from what they’re doing. They mask the direction of sound so that you may not be aware of vehicles beeping or coming up behind you. While base employees and residents were previously allowed to use headphones while walking or jogging on sidewalks, it’s become apparent that they are not being taken off when running on the roadways where there are no sidewalks at all.
Walkers or joggers found using headphones in areas other than those permitted above will be stopped by Security and asked to remove the headphones. Names of offenders will be forwarded to their command. Repeat offenders could be subject to a range of options from being given a ticket to having on-base driving privileges revoked.
The real punishment, though, often isn’t handed down by Security. While accidents involving headphones do not happen often, the consequences of just one can be devastating. Is this really worth the risk?
R,
CAPT Catie Hanft, USN
Commanding Officer
Naval Support Activity South Potomac
My favorite lines are: “Who doesn’t like listening to their favorite tunes while being outdoors and enjoying these recreations?” and “Names of offenders will be forwarded to their command.” A nice blend of “Hey, I’m cool, I’m with it” and “Haha, suckas, I don’t care!” So does that mean Brian is my command? Will he revoke my privileges if I repeat the offense?
Photo courtesy of Foxtongue’s Flickr photostream
15 comments
Ummm…what? They’ll take away your driving privileges? What are you, 16?
I’d like to point out that you can go anywhere you want with headphones in Chicago. My futon has your name on it…and Brian’s, too, if he can escape.
Let them take away your driving privileges! Joke is on them! You don’t even have a car!
“The real punishment, though, often isn’t handed down by Security.” That sounds like a threat to me. I think they are actually referring to minivan mom… she’ll break your legs if you keep insisting on listing to that commie smut.
That’s hilarious. Or would be, if you didn’t have to deal with it. I suggest a hunger strike.
See, what you didn’t realize is that Minivan Mom was actually Capt. Catie Hanft, USN, and now she knows who you are and where you live….bwahahahahahaha!
Whistle your own tune? Oh sweet God. I love this so much. Only in the military. Only. I don’t remember this at Fort Benning. I’m going to ask around and see what up with this. Great letter, though.
Who’s volunteering to remove the ipod stuck up Capt. Hanft’s butt?
Ooh, Chicago. I will make it out there again soon. Though I doubt it can compete with the culture here.
Kathleen and Mom, now I’m terrified she’s going to hunt me down in her minivan! She’s got them crazy eyes.
David, isn’t there a kind of strike that doesn’t involve me giving up food? Maybe I could do some sort of pirate raid on the mess hall.
Lisa, I thought you’d appreciate the wording. I’m going to start singing at the top of my lungs wherever I go and see how they like them apples.
Brian said that they had this rule in Iraq because there were obvious safety dangers. I’m fairly sure Dahlgren isn’t as much of a hot zone.
Yikes. This post made me look up where you are, since it is convenmiently underlined by the Internet Guru. You are 51 miles, i.e. 1h15m away! That’s so close! I should be able to pop down and chauffeur you around for a weekend, yeah?
Awesome graphic to accompany the story, too..:-)
Margaret, that’s not far at all! Oh, please, you are welcome to trek down to the sticks any time you like! We would show you a grand time. Fredericksburg is actually very cute, and we discovered a place with excellent food and beer. Dahlgren… well, there is a seafood place and a Chinese place. And McDonald’s. We’re thinking about getting to D.C. either the second or third weekend of May, still up in the air, but I’ll let you know!
I can see that you need your big sis to come fight for your rights.
http://tinyurl.com/c77olc
Nice! Wait, does that make me the “special” one in the family?
So, you can’t run or walk with headphones…can you stand in one place? Maybe do some jumping jacks? And I love
“Effective immediately, please be reminded that all tunes will need to be sung or whistled by you because headphones/earpieces are NOT allowed on board any Naval Support Activity South Potomac installation”…can someone whistle or sing TO you? Or is that too distracting?
Who doesn’t like listening to their favorite tunes while being outdoors and enjoying these recreations?
I know I don’t. In fact I can’t stand it. You know what else I don’t like? Dancing. And laughter. And merriment. You know what I do like? Justice. The kind that isn’t handed down by security.
Wait – that’s the actual memo? Seriously? I thought it was a joke!
That’s, uh, damn.
shit…and she is the deputy commandant at NY Maritime now. I don’t think that anyone has been so universally hated by the entire regiment.