Separation Anxiety
I’ve been having a hard time lately getting myself to sit down and sort through the crazy, frazzled mess that is my brain and somehow translate those thoughts into coherent, entertaining blog posts. I guess I haven’t posted anything in a few weeks because I just don’t feel like being entertaining. I feel like I’m just coming down from a massive high– months of packing and unpacking and moving and briefly landing and moving again– and I don’t quite know what to do with myself now that the dust has settled.
Brian and I finally made it to Hawaii; we have an apartment and a deck full of plants and a list of plans for our new island existence. I should be ecstatic to start our new life here (what better place to begin a marriage?) and I am; the problem is that I’m in newlywed honeymoon bliss… by myself. For some reason, champagne breakfast in bed in paradise seems a lot less romantic and a lot more alcoholic when you do it alone.
After a record seven and a half months in the same place, Brian and I are separated by a few continents and bodies of water again. He left on June 4 to meet his ship on deployment in Asia, and I’ve been struggling to settle into our new place and into the concept of being alone for the first time in awhile. I keep thinking every time we do this that it will get easier and that I’ll somehow magically be composed and reasonable when saying goodbye, instead of the sobbing mess clinging to Brian at the airport security line. Logically, I know that three months is a ridiculously easy deployment compared to the six or nine straight months apart we’ve endured in the past. But my emotions aren’t logical and here I am again, feeling crazy.
I get frustrated with myself because I’m not one of those girls who can’t stand to be alone. I tell myself that I’m independent, that I’m capable, that I don’t need to depend on anyone else for my own happiness. Each time we go through a long separation, I try to prove this in one of two extremes: excessive solitude or obsessive overscheduling.
When I lived in France, I spent the vast majority of my time alone. I lived by myself, I passed the hours reading or watching trashy French TV, I hibernated in my tiny apartment to escape the mind-numbing cold. I had a few good friends who kept me from being a total hermit, but, in retrospect, I was probably a little withdrawn and depressed. When I lived in San Francisco, I tried the opposite approach and threw myself into work and socializing as if I would die if I stopped to catch my breath. I scheduled every minute of the day with dinners and happy hours and shopping dates because if I stayed busy, I wouldn’t have to think about any of those pesky emotions. This strategy clearly didn’t work either since I cried more during that year than in any other time in my life.
This time, I’m trying something new. I’m admitting that it’s OK to be sad and miss Brian when he’s halfway around the globe and that it’s OK to have a breakdown or two because I’m living several thousand miles away from the people who are most important to me. It’s OK, and I don’t have to be fine all the time. Huge, life-disrupting changes are painful, even when they result in living in Hawaii.
I used to be afraid of losing myself in a relationship, because needing someone else was equivalent to giving up my identity and becoming a clingy, needy, desperate girl who can’t cut it on her own. I don’t believe that anymore. I need a lot of people in my life. I need my family and my friends and, yes, I also need Brian. We depend on each other to brave the challenges and to celebrate the victories in this crazy world, and I am lucky to have a partner in crime who is in it for the long haul. I know I can survive on my own, but I am choosing to build a life with someone else. And, in the sage words of “When Harry Met Sally,” “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
9 comments
I’m so proud of you for all the changes you’ve braved in the last couple of years, all the moves and the goodbyes and the job uncertainties. Beginning a marriage under normal circumstances is a big life change in itself, without the damn Navy making it extra interesting. I would give anything to your pseudo-husband again in Brian’s absence, but I’ll do my best through Skype and other Interwebs magic. I’m glad to hear that you’re forgiving yourself for needing your loved ones. You have so many people who are caring about you from a distance, and I’m glad to hear that you’ve already got some ladyfriends in Hawaii.
It takes a lot of courage to write about the rough times in addition to the amusing, entertaining ones. I’m usually hesitant to blog when I feel down, but those posts often resonate with readers more than the happy ones. We’re all struggling with our internal demons and external circumstances, and it’s inspiring to see other people coping with theirs. Remember to treat yourself with the same compassion that you’d give a friend in the same situation! Love you lots.
OK, don’t get me all teary-eyed and jealous with the partner in crime stuff. I’m glad you are in that place — it is healthy. Plus, you’re in Hawaii! Sand and sun while healthily missing everyone.
I hope to see you soon!
The best you can do is be honest with yourself about how you are feeling in any given moment. Sounds like you are there and doing your best to keep it together. Always know you have lots of loved ones just a text, tweet, FB post, or (showing my age) a phone call away. Thanks for sharing this difficult moment – it’s the challenges in life that make us stronger (and better) people :)
I love you Gillie! I don’t think this will ever be easy; you’re a strong tough lady. Your approach this time sounds healthy, and remember that it’s totally normal to feel these emotions. I am trying to get on the internet bandwagon and actually set up Skype too, so that would be really cool to talk to you and get to see you =) Miss you lots.
Aw, I love you guys. Thanks, it definitely helps to have such amazing friends and family, even when I wish y’all were closer. I think I can cope a lot better with all the crazy changes when I just let myself cry and be emotional and not try to have everything under control all the time. Who am I kidding? I am a freaking mess every time we move or Brian leaves (which is pretty much every six months), but I’m also not just staying in bed all day crying. This, too, shall pass, right?
Love you all and can’t wait till you come visit. And yes, everyone needs to be my Skype buddy! it is a miracle drug.
Oh, Gillie! I know I’m not the same as Brian, but I can’t wait until we can schnuggle again. I miss you!
Distance and separation are really hard, and the only people who say they’re not are people who have never had to deal with them long-term. I was the weepy mess in the airport security line every single time I left Josh to go back to school. It sucks ass, it’s really draining and it never gets easier. It’s OK that it doesn’t. Being sad is not the same thing as being weak.
I can relate to wanting the rest of your life moving. I’m so impatient to get goin’ with the move and all that will come after that I can’t breathe some days. It’s hard to be happy in the moment when I can visualize all the joy that awaits us in the future. You two have so much joy awaiting you as well, and I can’t wait until we’re all in the same place again so we can really support each other as we build our kickass existence.
Oh, Katie Ide, come and cuddle with me right now! It’s ridiculous how much I miss you. Hawaii this winter, for reals. We are also planning on going out for Mardi Gras because more than a year away from New Orleans sounds like a death sentence.
I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with distance and separation. It just plain sucks, and I’m tired of it. We’ve earned the right to start our life for reals now, together, in the same place, and I am fresh out of patience (I never had much to begin with). But at least I can stop thinking of myself as weak or lacking because I’m an emotional mess.
It is so hard to live in the moment when I keep thinking ahead a few years when we’re all back in New Orleans, living in the same ‘hood, having dinner parties and cookouts and building the Empire to its full potential. It shall be glorious, but we’ll do great things in the meantime.
Gill, this post was so hard for me to read! It brought back a flood of emotions I have been trying to forget, because I know someday soon I’ll be in your same position. I fear the time Steve will be away when I’m with him and I worry if I can handle the next deployment when he’s away. It’s difficult, there are ups and downs and despite the occasional visiting travel trips, deployments are suckity, suck, suck, suckface! I don’t know if it will ever get easier, but I know we’re each lucky to have 1) great family, 2) wonderful, supportive friends and 3) we both live if fabulous locations, which does help quite a bit.
Sher, I was totally thinking the other day how it helped so much just exchanging emails with you when Brian and Steve were on that hellish nine-month deployment. Crappy separations don’t get any easier (and I’m totally with you on avoiding thinking about it until I absolutely have to), but at least they are made bearable by having supportive people and beautiful scenery in our lives.
I still think when Steve ships out again, you should hightail it to Hawaii so you can drink cocktails on the beach with me. It’ll be an excellent distraction.