I spend all day on the Internet. I work for a Web site, and I’m addicted to Facebook, Google Talk and any number of other time-suckage devices, so you could call me a Web junkie (better than “Web crack whore,” I suppose). And let me tell you, the Internet is really excited that I’m getting married. It tells me so all the time! It gives me recommendations on what wedding stationary to use, where to go on my honeymoon and even how to lose those pesky extra pounds (which I apparently have put on, according to the Internet).

Facebook is the worst– constantly bombarding me with annoying ads about “revolutionary” diets and “romantic” photography packages (side note: if I see another soft-focus shot, I’m gonna hurt someone).

And I don’t even know what to say about this one:

But it’s not just Facebook; my buddy Google has done me wrong, too, scouring my e-mails for wedding keywords and harassing me within my own e-mail. Gmail is supposed to be my happy place!

I’d just like to note that the words “baby registry” keep coming up, and I don’t know why. Nowhere in my e-mails do I use the words “shotgun” or “pitter-patter of little feet.” There are some things we don’t joke about, Google. I can always change my relationship status to “It’s Complicated” on Facebook (though then I might get break-up self-help books), but I have no idea what to do about the all-knowing Google besides writing my e-mails in code. Any ideas?

That’s it. We’re getting married on the front porch (Chuck has already graciously offered to get one of those online certificates so he can perform the ceremony) and having the reception at Ms. Mae’s. We’ll even offer to pick up the tab for everyone’s $1 drinks. I can’t see any other way this is gonna work.

Both Ide and Melia have blogged recently about feeling crazy and overwhelmed, and I’d like to join that party… especially if that party has wine. I realized today that we’re getting married in four months. Four freaking months! Lately, I’ve been working until the wee hours of the morning and drinking coffee like it’s going out of style. I don’t really have the energy to feed myself (thank you, Reginelli’s delivery man)

or unpack my evacuation suitcase, let alone research florists or learn about sin in our pre-cana class.

So instead, I make to-do lists. Lots and lots of to-do lists. I have Google docs, Excel spreadsheets, ta-da lists, scraps of paper stuffed in my purse. I’m the crazy cat lady of to-do lists.

Just a few items:

• Find a damn printer by next week
• Reserve the Yat cake lady we love so much
• Register for the “set it and forget it.” And maybe a few other things.
• Research remaining vendors: DJ, florist, transportation, people to make us prettier than we already are
• Write “our story” for the Web site in a non-gross way
• Get an extension on pre-cana class (play the deployment card)
• Call Archdiocese re: importing a priest from out of state
• Go swimming enough to make up for my week in Jackson and Chicago (read: spending time with my favorite bad influences)
• Watch late-night TNT while making more to-do lists I won’t complete

I make Sarah Palin look sane. Actually, now that I think about it, all this organizational experience might qualify me for vice president.

I was going to write a couple blogs last week, but life has been a little nutty with:

1. Hurricane Gustav- WTF, dude? Thanks for not hitting New Orleans directly, but it’s still awfully inconvenient to evacuate. My house still doesn’t have power (sorry you’re going through this alone, Chuck… I promise I’ll replenish our whiskey supply when I get home) and I’m praying Ike defies his abusive name and goes elsewhere.

2. Traveling- See #1. I spent a few evacuation days in Jackson, Mississippi and now I’m in Chicago invading the Ide-Crank household until Sunday. We managed to get a huge New Orleans posse up here this week, which can only mean trouble. Chicago didn’t know what it was in for.

3. Work- The only bad thing about working from home for a California-based company is that work doesn’t stop during mandatory evacuations in Louisiana. So I’ve been that loser college friend who sits on Ide’s futon all day and doesn’t shower till 6 p.m. (at least I’m working on my laptop and not watching “Tyra” and drinking a six-pack of High Life).

Anyway, those are my excuses. I’ll try to do better next week… if there is power in New Orleans by the time I get back. You may have already seen this on Brian’s blog, but… drumroll please… here are our save-the-dates! We still need to write final copy (I’m totally calling that guy at Gem Printing for some pointers), but the design is finished. What do you think? Isn’t Brian fantastically talented (in addition to being ridiculously good looking)?

In the wake of Nicole’s wedding, after seeing how much work these shenanigans really take, I resolved to get crackalackin’ on all the to-do list I’ve been avoiding. Well, I still can’t quite make time to sit down and do the first pre-cana lesson, but that time will come. Let’s not get too crazy.

Lately, everyone has been expecting me to know the answers to pesky questions like, “Where should I stay when I come in town?” and “When are you sending out save-the-dates so I can book my flight?” Jesus, people, you ask so much of me! Crawling into a fetal position and rocking back and forth in the corner didn’t seem to deter anyone, so Brian and I decided we should send out our save-the-dates soon. Those will list the date and the wedding Web site address (featuring hotel information and other useful tidbits), thus buying a little time before we have to send out the actual invitations.

Bri has been trying to stalk New Orleans printers for the last few weeks, but they apparently don’t respond well to this newfangled “e-mail” thing. I put it off for as long as possible, then grudgingly stopped by one business yesterday after work. It’s called Gem Printing and is located in Metairie, what I consider the armpit of the New Orleans metro area. I tried to overcome this by imagining the store staffed by the cast of Jem:

Sadly, this was not the case. The gentleman who waited on me has obviously been in the wedding invitation business a long time (which I’m sure will take a toll on a person), and he was dead set on telling me what I want and what I should and shouldn’t do. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: My fiance is designing our save-the-dates and invitations. Since he’s a graphic designer, he wants to have all the fonts consistent throughout all pieces. Would you be able to print addresses on the envelopes if we give you an Excel or Word doc with all of them?

Gem Guy: We print return addresses on all the envelopes.

Me: No, I mean if we wanted to print the addresses we’re sending invitations to in a certain typeface, would you be able to do that?

GG: Oh, you don’t want to do that. You never want to do that.

Me: See, but I do want to do that. Can you print addresses on the envelopes? How much would that cost? (trying to emphasize that it’s not that I don’t know the rules; I’m just choosing to ignore them)

GG: You should never print addresses. You should always handwrite them. Trust me, you don’t want to print them.

Me: Can you. Or. Can. You. Not. Print. Addresses.

GG: No, we can’t. It’s not possible the way our equipment is set up.

Me: OK. That was my question. Now about the paper sizes…

GG: And before you bring in your final design, you’re gonna want to bring in a draft so I can edit it.

Me: Exsqueeze me? (translation: “Don’t you know who I AM?”)

GG: So I can edit it. You guys will probably make a lot of little mistakes on how you word wedding invitations. It’s just a lot different than how you write other things. Trust me. I’ve been doing this a long time. I can fix it for you.

Me: That won’t be necessary. It will be correct and the way we want it when (IF) I bring it in. We’re not using traditional standards for a lot of our phrasing (translation: I think it’s freaking ridonkulous to write out “two thousand and nine” when I would never do that under any other circumstances), so I’ll just save you the time.

GG: Yeah, just bring it in and I’ll take a look at it.

Me: Anyway, can we get larger cards the same size as the save-the-dates for our maps and directions? Can you print double-sided?

GG: Oh no, you shouldn’t use something that big. You should use the 3×5 cards we use for RSVPs. You don’t have to include every little street on the map. If you use the big card for the directions, it’ll compete with your invitation. See, you want to build all the other pieces around the invitation…

Me: We want the larger card. Can. You. Print. On. Both. Sides.

GG: Yes.

Me: OK then. What kind of digital file do you want for the design? Illustrator? PDF? JPEG? TIFF?

GG: A JPEG or TIFF will work. But you need to make sure you bring in the text so I can edit it before you bring in the final file. (Speaking slowly now, so I can understand) You see, once it’s in JPEG or TIFF format, I can resize it, but I can’t edit the words.

Me: (blink blink)

And that’s around the time I wanted to do something like this:

The problem is, this place comes recommended, it’s pretty cheap and most of the other NOLA printers specialize in commercial work. On the other hand, I probably don’t want to feel murderous rage every time I look at my wedding invitations. Advice? Words of wisdom? Sedatives?

My best friend from high school, Nicole, got married this past weekend, and I was her maid of honor (bless her heart, she asked me even though she knows me so well). This summer, three of my high school girlfriends tied the knot, with another in the queue for fall 2009. I remember hearing a couple years ago that weddings, babies and divorces all come in waves. I find two of those things pretty unpleasant right now, so I guess I should be grateful I’m only in the wedding wave.

Still, it was surreal to see Nicole put on her grandmother’s wedding dress and walk down the aisle. Even though I’m about to do the same thing in a few months, I kept thinking, “Wait a minute! We just learned to drive the other day. We just did this hair and make-up stuff for prom a little while ago! What do you mean *NSYNC broke up?”

Homecoming 2000, wedding 2008, what’s the diff?

Crazy internal monologue aside, it was a beautiful wedding—classy, personal and definitely “them.” I’ve never been in a wedding before and I’m obviously a little inept with some of these chick things, so it was a great crash course in how it all works.

Here are the major lessons I learned:

1. Expect that people who have not RSVP’d will show up at the last minute.

Yep, the response deadline had come and gone a month ago, but sure enough, three days before the wedding, a few relatives popped up and decided they were in the mood for a party. And wanted to bring a date. Or two. I decided if you account for a few of these etiquette-challenged asses showing up for the wedding, you won’t be freaking out over where they’re going to sit or what they’re going to eat. Personally, I think they should have to sit at their own “time-out” table and eat gruel, but that’s just me.

2. The week before the wedding, all preparatory activities should be accompanied by mojitos.

There are many reasons why I love Nicole—her affinity for car dancing, her lack of internal monologue around obnoxious people—but her to-do list for the last few days before the wedding might top them all.

• Finish decorating the jam jars (the wedding favors)
• Mojitos
• Buy Slurpees
• Spend Victoria’s Secret gift certificate
• Make table numbers
• Drinks
• Write packing list
• Buy champagne

So we drank mojitos at 2 p.m. while I tied ribbons on jam jars and she wrote thank-you notes. And we sipped 32-ounce Slurpees while bra shopping at Victoria’s Secret. No big deal.

3. Never, under any circumstances, rely on Kinko’s for anything other than sucking.

I had kind of assumed that only the New Orleans Kinko’s staff was incompetent, lazy and rude, but it turns out, those qualities are required of their employees nationwide! Talk about brand consistency. Brian has a long history of Kinko’s screwing up his design projects, and I’ve had a few charming run-ins with them as well, so I was concerned when Nicole said they were printing their ceremony programs there. True to form, they kept postponing when it would be ready, only to tell her eventually, “Oh, we can’t do it. There’s no way with that card stock.” Two days before the wedding. Kinko’s: printing :: Paris Hilton: thinking.

4. Have the hair and make-up people come to you.

I keep reading budget wedding tips about how you should go to the salon with your bridal party the day of the wedding to have your hair and make-up done because it’s cheaper and blah blah blah. This is true, I’m sure, but the last thing I want to do the morning of my wedding is schlep all over the city getting prettified. You people can come to me, and bring me a latte while you’re at it. It’s my special day! Pay attention to me!

5. Two words: party bus.

Their wedding was at the Fordham Chapel in the Bronx, and the reception was at the Newark Museum in New Jersey, so Nicole and Andy arranged for buses to transport everyone from the hotel to the church to the museum and back. It’s a decent drive from Point A to Point B, so the groomsmen made sure to stock coolers of beer and champagne for the after-ceremony drive. Our church is only a mile from the reception venue, but it would still be pretty nice for guests to not have to worry about transportation at all. I’ll look into it. Plus, the party bus offers great photo opps like these:

Congrats to the newlyweds! Love you both and hate you for being in Fiji right now.

I started a free wedding Web site on ewedding.com today, but I already secretly have my eye on upgrading to a hotter, richer, more muscular model. For just $4.95 to $14.95 a month, we can get a whole array of features, including our own domain name. I figured I’d keep it simple and just use our first names– gillianandbrian.com. Imagine my surprise when I discover that some other couple getting married (allegedly also named Gillian and Brian) already ganked the domain name! Who are these imposters?

Look at them with their wee beady eyes and those smug looks on their faces. Who do they think they are?

I guess we have to find a new domain name now. I took a quick look at some names that came to mind right away, and these are all unavailable:

http://brianandgillian.com/

http://eastmeetswest.com/

http://piratewedding.com/

http://sweetsassymolassy.com/

http://dontsassme.com/

http://ridiculouslygoodlooking.com/

http://iwillcutyou.com/

Foiled again! These ones, however, are still on the market:

http://whiteyandtheoriental.com/

http://navyboyandthedirtyhippie.com/

http://ihatecomicsans.com/

http://ohreallyfool.com/

I might have to settle for the practical (but not as fun) gillieandbrian.com, but I have a feeling Brian is going to want ihatecomicsans.com.

Now we need to find a family-friendly picture of us for the page that is not from A) a ridiculously themed costume party

or B) a dive bar.

It’s harder than you would think.

Ideas for domain names and/or pictures? I know some of you will have some gems…

It’s sad, but I think Brian is doing much better at accomplishing his wedding tasks than I am. And he’s off defending freedom in Iraq. Turns out I’m a failure not only as a future wife, but also as an American.

[Side note: He just got promoted to the rank of Lieutenant JG in the Navy! I got to see the teleconference of the ceremony via the military version of a webcam. Look, there we are together. Just like a particularly bad episode of Lonelygirl15.]

Anyway, back to Brian kicking my ass at wedding stuff. Bri, being the graphic design guru that he is, will be designing all the print materials for our wedding– save-the-date cards, invitations, place cards, ceremony programs, CD covers, score cards for the reception dance-off. We looked for a good quote or poem or song lyric to set the theme for everything, but that proved harder than we’d thought. Apparently, there’s a ton of icky “Love is patient, love is kind” crap out there.

I finally found a quote we both liked and could translate well visually– “Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” (Lisa, I’m pretty sure you want to make a “My other ride is your mom” comment, so go right ahead.) Kind of a fun, carnival-like theme– minus the clowns. By the way, some Web sites attribute that quote to Elizabeth Barrett Browning and some to Franklin P. Jones… anyone know the truth?

Here are Brian’s works in progress (click for bigger versions):

Colors, names and other fun stuff will come later. So… favorites? Which elements do you like the best? Feel free to mix and match.

Getting married in the Catholic Church isn’t quite as simple as impulsively buying a marriage license in Vegas and saying your vows in front of a white-jumpsuited Elvis (so I’m pretty sure Britney is not Catholic). Like all good things in the Church, a Catholic marriage requires a little work and suffering… so you know it’s good.

I wrote about the FOCCUS and some other Catholic shenanigans back in May, and that’s the last time I did anything to prepare for our rapidly approaching church wedding. When I talked to Brian today, he said, “Hey, you know that pre-cana thing? Yeah, we should probably do that…” This is why I keep him around. Registering for a pre-cana class has been on my to-do list for a few months, along with seeing a dentist, finishing “Eat, Pray, Love” and cleaning out my Gmail inbox.

For you non-Catholics, pre-cana is a course couples have to complete before getting hitched in the Church. Usually couples do it through six weeks of going to evening classes or a hardcore weekend retreat, but since Brian is in Iraq, our options are a little more limited. Luckily, in this beautiful world of the Interweb, there is actually an online pre-cana class! We’ll do the worksheets for each class topic “together” (via e-mail and Skype…how modern), submit them to our online instructor and get a certificate of completion when we’re all finished.

I like the idea of talking about important topics– religion, family, future offspring, history of mental illness– but I am wary of some random person “grading” our assignments. “Um, Gill, you got number 12 wrong. You said you don’t believe the man should make the final decisions in the household. The correct answer was actually, ‘Yes, Brian. I will always defer to your opinion. And go make you a sammich. Submissively.'” I could see this turning ugly. No, I’m really trying to stay positive and focus on how we can use this class to stay close while we’re apart (though I make no promises to curb my sass).

If anything, I did enjoy the images that went along with the registration page. So much that I took a few screen shots:

I wasn’t expecting so much nudity right off the bat, but hey, I’m not judging. I have a renewed resolve to work out before the wedding.

Our first lesson is titled “In the Beginning” and has the synopsis, “God’s Plan for man and woman, the origin of marriage and how sin distorted everything.” Sounds like a party– I’ll bring the cocktails!

As I typed the name of this post, I thought, “Jesus, that sounds so hipster.” You know, we’re so alternative and non-conformist. So we’re going to make our own wedding rings out of ironic vintage T-shirts or a Dave Eggers book we pretend to understand. Profoundly.

As awesome as that would be, I found something even better– Wedding Ring Workshop. Couples spend five to six hours working with jewelers to design and actually make each other’s rings. Like with hot metal and a soldering iron.

This is what their Web site says about the process:

• Melting: First melt your metal and cast your ingot (which is a fancy term for a piece of metal you can shape)
• Milling: You mill the ingots into square wire and then into the shape of your choice
• Bending: Using specially shaped pliers you bend the metal into a rough ring shape
• A few more steps that involve tools I’m scared of
• Polishing: Finally, you apply jeweler’s polish for that extra sparkle on your very special rings

Very special indeed. Call me a hippie, but I love the idea of making our own rings. The rings will mean a lot more to me if I risked losing a finger to make them. Brian’s crafty and good with things like saws, and they claim they won’t let you screw up these expensive symbols of your love and happiness. The workshops are offered in a few cities– including San Francisco, New York and San Diego (where Brian will be for a few weeks when he finally gets back from deployment).

I have to call for exact prices since the cost of gold and platinum changes so much, but it’s supposedly cheaper than buying from a retailer. Sweet. Let’s just pray mine doesn’t turn out all special like some of my previous attempts at being crafty (lopsided clay bowls, a skirt with a crooked hem that took me a whole semester to make, papier-mâché projects that never quite dried). If I’m feeling extra sassy, maybe I’ll attempt engraving something inside. What should the message be? (Note: “I will cut you” is not appropriate, Ide.)

Creative Commons image courtesy of DJOtaku’s Flickr page.

I used to be vehemently opposed to wedding Web sites because I thought they were a) unnecessary (don’t we already have to send save-the-dates and invitations? What more do you want from me?) and b) just kinda gross (OK, we get it! You’re cute and engaged. Jesus.). I had seen a few bad examples with nauseating “how we met” stories and wrote the idea off completely.

Now the whole wedding Web site thing is starting to grow on me, mostly because I’m really lazy and expect everything to be online (I was getting upset at churches for not having Web sites with downloadable FAQ and price sheets…so not Web 2.0). Two of my high school friends are getting married next month, and they created a great site through mywedding.com. It’s a free service, and guests can RSVP, look up directions, link to registries, check out photos and suggest songs for the reception. It’s actually pretty sweet. I may have misjudged you, wedding Web site. I’m notorious for losing things like invitations and directions, so this is a godsend. Now I can just print out the information as I’m running out the door while trying to find my shoes.

I started looking around and found another service through ewedding.com that has some really cool features. You can put up all the hotel and event information for out-of-towners, upload audio and video clips, even make fun trivia quizzes. Ooooh, like Trivial Pursuit. Games are fun. I didn’t love all of the themes, but this one seems OK (just ignore the sample groom’s goobery smile). Theknot.com also has a free wedding Web site service, but I refuse to have anything to do with those people. I think they colluded with Martha Stewart and Satan to produce an entire generation of Bridezillas, and I won’t be a part of it.

Anyway, I’m kind of excited about this new toy. Take a gander at the list of features on ewedding, and let me know what you’d like to see. Oh, Internet, what can’t you do?